


Learning to Love Herself

by JanewaysEngineer



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: DNA, Episode: s01e14 Faces, F/F, Human Klingon Seperation, POV, faces, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28842285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanewaysEngineer/pseuds/JanewaysEngineer
Summary: B’Elanna’s thoughts in Sickbay while she waits for the Doctor to reintegrate her Klingon DNA
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway & B'Elanna Torres, Kathryn Janeway/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just a little one-shot ficlet  
> vavnI’ = Grandfather in Klingon
> 
> I've been told before that some don't care for the use of the word hybrid. It is relevant for the story.
> 
> B'Elanna is a character that struggles with her identity.
> 
> While there is no J/T in this story, it's there if you really squint and read between the lines.

  


**B'Elanna's POV**

I am human.

I can’t resist touching the smooth forehead.

There were no cranial ridges. It is smooth. The sensation is odd. I always dreamed about this, being human, especially when I was a kid, living on Kessick IV. I would do everything possible to hide my forehead from others. 

I hated being half-Klingon. I still _hate_ being half-Klingon.

That’s all I was. A Human-Klingon hybrid. Never enough for either race. I was too human for the Klingons, and too Klingon for the humans. A Klingon on the homeworld had once called me a ‘mongrel child’ and my vavnI **’** had lashed out, threatening to defend my honor. He was angry. I just went straight to my room once we arrived home. Vavnl’ loved me unconditionally but...

I wanted to be human. 

Here was my chance, after years of wishing and dreaming, except...

It’s not what I thought it would be. I feel alone and incomplete. I feel so empty and weak.

Weak. That felt like an odd feeling because before... I felt strong.

I know humans aren’t weak. Captain Janeway is one of the strongest humans I know. She trusted me to take care of her ship as the Chief Engineer. I had come to rely on her strength, a strength I admire. She didn’t see the half-Klingon or the half-human.

“Ready for your first dose of Klingon DNA, Lieutenant?” I heard the Doctor ask.

“Yes.” I replied without hesitation and a real honesty that surprised myself.

I want my Klingon DNA back. I know I _need_ it to survive, but I realize now that I **want** it back.

As I hear the familiar whoosh of the hypospray against my neck, I relax visibly knowing my other half will be back soon. I reach up and touch my forehead as if the cranial ridges will already be back where they belong, seconds after the hypospray.

The Doctor noticed my touch and offered me a smile, “You’re in for a rough night, Lieutenant. Just get comfortable. I’ll have you back to your feisty self by morning,” he said before walking away, leaving me to contemplate his words of being ‘back to my feisty self.’

_Half-Human. Half- Klingon._

I need to learn to embrace my identities equally and not shun one over the other, figure out a way to embrace them both and simply be happy with who I am. I was in for a long night, but I acknowledged I was in for an even longer journey to loving _myself_ , B’Elanna Torres.

-Fin  
  



	2. A long night in Sickbay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter: B'Elanna is in Sickbay, her Klingon DNA is being reintegrated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: @Curator gave me the idea/nudge to write a follow up piece. :) So this chapter is dedicated to Curator. 
> 
> MagdaleneJaneway, for always editing and reading, thank you my friend <3

B’Elanna’s POV

The lights are low in Sickbay. The Doctor has tucked himself away in his office, working on reports or something. Now that I think about it, as I lay here in the silence of the medical bay, I don’t really know what he does when he isn’t treating Voyager’s crew. It has been a few hours since the first dosage of my Klingon DNA. I felt some burning and pain throughout my body. It had been manageable, nothing that I could not handle.

My next dosage should be coming any minute, and I knew the pain would get worse. As I heard the alarm sound, the Doctor was quick out of his office, resetting the alarm as he exited. “Here we are, Lieutenant, dosage number two,” he said, picking up the hypospray on the way over to me. He pressed it into my neck, “I’ve added a little pain analgesic to this dosage.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” I say quietly.

“Don’t thank me just yet, Lieutenant,” he replies. He doesn’t need to say it. This dosage is about to be more painful. The words are on the tip of his tongue. I give a nod and watch him walk away.

It’s seconds later and I feel a surge of pain shoot through my body like an electric current. My muscles were tight, like rubber bands, burning with heat. That same burning heat moves through my head, settling across my smooth forehead like a tight tourniquet. 

There’s a blinding white light in my eyes as my cranial ridges begin to form. I gasp, squeezing my eyes shut as an audible whimper vibrates low in my throat. Sweat begins to form on my skin as my insides shift to accommodate my Klingon organs.

I want to throw up. The Doctor had already thought about that, leaving a wet cloth in a dish of water, and a small tub on the table beside my biobed. My throat burns. I am reaching for the tub, my arms feel heavy, but I manage to get it in time as bile rises from the pit of my abdomen. I empty the contents of my stomach into the tub. It takes a few minutes, but I am able to rinse and wipe my mouth before collapsing back on the biobed. 

It takes a moment but I realize I am not alone. A blur of red and black enters my fuzzy peripheral vision. The Intrepid Starfleet Captain just witnessed me throwing up. ‘Kahless, just put me out of my misery now,’ I think out of embarrassment. 

“Captain…” 

Kathryn resolutely moved around to the side table and picked up the wet cloth. She wrung it out, and brought the now damp cloth to B’Elanna’s forehead, soaking up the beads of perspiration. Her touch was gentle and caring.

I am surprised by the gentleness of the Captain’s attention. I shouldn’t be, I’ve seen the way she interacts with the Bridge crew. I’ve seen the gentle touches with Chakotay. I suppose after what had happened after Sikaris and the ill-gotten technology, I figured I was just lucky to still be the Chief Engineer. I had only briefly seen her recently when Chakotay was laying on this same biobed weeks ago.

“I’m sorry you have to go through this…”

Hearing her words, I want to say it is okay, but in truth, it isn’t so instead, I shrug, “The Vidiians are not a friendly race to cross paths with.” 

“Between you and me, B’Elanna, I despise them,” Kathryn says with her jaw set, continuing to move the cloth over my forehead.

The encounters with the Vidiians had not been pleasant for the Voyager crew. Neelix had lost his lugs, Durst had been killed, and I was separated from my own DNA. 

“Your secret is safe with me, Captain,” I assure her as another burst of pain shoots through every inch of my body. “Kahless… this… hurts…”

“Did the Doctor give you anything for the pain?”

“He did, but I don’t think any amount of pain medication can ease this pain, Captain.” I reply. 

“Is there anything I can do, B’Elanna?” Kathryn asks me.

I stare at the Captain, my vision is blurry, but even so I can clearly see the concern etched on her beautiful face. “I don’t know… maybe just talk to me…” 

Kathryn nods, “I can do that,” she says, going to get a chair only to bring it over by the biobed. She continues to wipe the sweat off my forehead and neck as we fall into light conversation. At first our conversation revolved around work, different Engineering tasks and projects I had in mind to reduce the energy requirements and increase the Warp Core efficiency. 

It was easy to talk to Kathryn. I wasn’t even sure how long we had been talking, but the Doctor interrupted our conversation to give me one more dose of DNA. He left us to continue talking.

“I think your cranial ridges are coming in,” Kathryn says with a soft crooked smile..

I reach up and touch my forehead. Sure enough, my ridges were starting to come back. Before I can say anything, she speaks up again, “How did it feel to be completely human?” She asks me with curiosity. 

“Not what I thought, honestly,” I reply. “It was something I always wanted as a kid, but I just felt incomplete.”

“Understandable. You are just as much human as you are Klingon, B’Elanna. Only you can be happy with who you are and to do that, you need to learn to be comfortable with all of you, not one half or the other, but all of you.”

I look at Kathryn at those words, “You’re right.” That’s all I can manage to say in response because Kathryn has given me something to think about. I can feel another wave of pain coming on. The pain is intense. It’s so overwhelming that for a minute, I swear I’m going to lose consciousness. I remain awake though. I look at Kathryn, “I’m sorry, you know.”

“For what, B’Elanna?” Kathryn asks as she returns to her seat with a cool cloth, wiping it over more forehead.

“What happened with the Sikarian technology…” I see her tense beside me and continue, “I regret hurting and betraying you like that. I am sorry.”

“I know, B’Elanna. Carey came forward and told me you didn’t act alone,” Kathryn says. “It hurt to be betrayed, but I know why Tuvok and you did what you did. In all honesty, I probably would have done it myself, if my moral compass would have allowed me.” I hear her sigh. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you.”

“I deserved it, but it made me realize something,” I pause to look at her, reaching for her hand to squeeze it, “you’re the last person on this ship I want to disappoint, Kathryn.” 

Kathryn isn’t sure which catches her off guard more, the words or the use of her name. Before she can speak though, I begin to convulse on the biobed. “Doctor! Hurry!” Kathryn calls out, standing up.

The Doctor is there in seconds, “Help me turn her on her side.” He instructs the Captain. 

“Do something,” Kathryn says, a hint of panic in her voice, realizing in that moment just how concerned she was for B’Elanna. 

“There is nothing to do, Captain,” he said. “The DNA is integrating into her brain and nervous system. She has to work through it.”

When I become alert and aware of my surroundings, I am not sure what time it is. I recognize Sickbay though. “What time is it?” I groan, looking around, seeing Kathryn still at my side. 

“Nearly 0500, B’Elanna. You’ve been asleep for a few hours,” Kathryn tells me with a smile, taking my hand. “You made it through the reintegration.”

I touch my forehead. My ridges are back in full. I smile, taking a deep breath and can tell my third lung is back where it should be. I sit up, feeling exhausted, “Thank you for being here with me, Captain.”

“You’re welcome, B’Elanna, I am glad to have you back to yourself,” Kathryn says, almost disappointed at the use of her title. I notice the look in her eyes. “The Doctor wants to run a few tests before releasing you to your quarters. You’re off duty for the day.”

I nod, “I could use a day to sleep,” I pause a moment, gazing at her before boldly asking, “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight, Kathryn?”

A smile crosses Kathryn’s face that makes my heart flutter in my chest. She nods in acceptance, “I would love that, B’Elanna.”

“Great. I’ll send you a message later,” I say as the Doctor comes over to me. He is already ushering the Captain out of Sickbay to get some rest. I watch her leave and smile. I don’t know what possessed me to ask my captain to dinner, but I was bursting with excitement. I let the Doctor run his tests then dressed in my uniform. I leave Sickbay once he clears me, taking the lift to deck nine, soon entering my quarters and immediately walking to look in the mirror. I smile at the woman staring back at me. 

-Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. This story is complete. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos make me smile.  
> Find me on Tumblr: JanewaysEngineer I welcome J/T fic ideas


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